“Know When To Change Direction”

March 27, 2011

Today’s Bit of Advice….

“Know When To Change Direction”

Growing up, we had a family tradition of taking a country drive on Palm Sunday.  My dad would drive.  Anyone who wanted to go along climbed in the other seats.  Some years we took my grandmother along – that always added an extra level of amusement.  She would fix her eye on the fuel gauge then spend the entire ride worrying that we would run out of gas.  She’d bug my dad about it incessantly and he’d just ignore her.  Oh, the joy of it all.

One year, our drive took us to a quaint little village near the Catskill Mountains.  The type of village that has an intersection – a single intersection.   As we approached the intersection we noticed a gift shop on the left side of the roadway.  I remember the name of the shop had the word “goose” in the title plus a color.  Yellow Goose, I think?  Anyway… we passed the shop and continued down the road.  A few miles later, we came to another intersection and on the left was a gift shop called the Yellow Goose.  How funny that there would be two stores with the same name that looked so similar in this little village.   Haha – it was the same store.  We had somehow circled around to the same spot.  After a good laugh (and my dad’s assurances that he meant to drive by twice – yeah, right!) we were on our way.  Not more than ten minutes later a funny thing happened.  We came to an intersection.  And there was a gift shop on the left.  Want to guess what the name was? 

There come times in our lives when we have to stop heading in the same direction and expecting a different destination.  You have to choose to make a turn (or even turn around).  Obviously, it is easier to just go straight ahead but it isn’t always better.  Changing direction can be a good thing.

My dad chose to go a different direction after the third time past the Yellow Goose.  It turned out to be a good decision.   I have driven by the Yellow Goose a few times in more recent years and I still get a good laugh out of our experience that day.

I began my teaching career in 1991 and taught music for one year in a large suburban school district.  It was a good job – for someone else.  I knew by November of that school year that the job was not intended for me.   I was working with some people whose styles didn’t agree with mine and I spent most days very frustrated.  I decided to remain in the position through the end of the year but didn’t know what my next step would be.   What if I couldn’t find another job?  It was too late to audition for grad schools.  Had I just made a huge mistake in resigning from a job (with a very good salary) just because I had personality conflicts with some colleagues?

Within two weeks of submitting my resignation my life took some unexpected turns that I’m sure will be the topic of another blog so I’ll save the details for later.  The summary, however, is that I needed to go to grad school to provide support for someone else who was already accepted and attending.  I called the music grad school during the first week of July to see if there was any chance I could attend the program (that would start in August).   To my surprise, not only was I accepted, they offered me an assistantship to work with undergraduate general music majors and supervise their early teaching experiences.   There was no reason that spot should have been open in July.  I guess it was just meant to be.  My experience in grad school was critical to my future teaching success and it still amazes me to think that I would never have had the opportunity if I stayed in that teaching job.

I’m glad that I followed my gut and changed direction.   It was a good thing.

Graduate school complete, I accepted a teaching position in another large suburban school district with very good pay.  Seven years later they built me a classroom of my dreams. Within a few more years, I was the choral director for all choruses in that building and a mentor teacher for a multitude of student teachers.   And, yet, there came a day in February 2006 when I had a life changing moment.  It was as if God opened up the heavens and shouted at me, “Your time here at this school is done”.  What do you mean???  This job was one of those “life” jobs that you keep until you retire.

 I could have ignored the voice and kept doing what I was doing, but I knew better.  No matter how scary the prospect of leaving a job that provided 60% of the income for our family, it was time to move on in a new direction.  I was being called to spend more time caring for my three children.  I was being called to teach in new settings.  I was being called to pursue a new type of career in public speaking, staff development, and consulting.  And I was quite scared.

I resigned from that job in June 2006 and couldn’t have made a better decision.  Our family income declined as expected but I was offered a new teaching position that I complete in 1-2 days a week giving me time to raise my children.  I have had opportunities to work with students and teachers in workshops.  I enjoy opportunities to do public speaking.  And I have time to write a blog!  I’m so glad I chose to change directions.

Which brings me to today.   Our family plan for Sundays is to go to church then spend the remainder of the day with extended family.  Instead of attending our regular church, we went to another local church so I could speak to the congregation about the benefits of Catholic education and encourage them to visit our wonderful local school.  After mass, a few people came over to thank me for speaking and to ask if I do public speaking as a career (Aha!  Validation that I made the right decision to pursue this path!).  We came home for lunch and prepared to go visit Grandma and Grandpa.  But the kids were grumpy because they were up too late on Friday and Saturday.  And my husband (who had a fever and chills all night long) really didn’t feel very good.  It would have been easy to tell everyone to suck it up and get in the car, but I knew that wasn’t the right thing to do.    I don’t believe there has ever been a time before when we made plans to spend the day with family then called it off at the last minute but it happened today.

We stayed home.

The kids all took naps.

The husband took a nap.

I really enjoyed time to sit and read the paper, enjoy some quiet time, and write my blog.

I’m so glad we changed directions.

Hope you enjoyed the read.

“Don’t Make Excuses”

March 21, 2011

Today’s Bit of Advice…

“Don’t Make Excuses”

I started out blogging every day then switched to every few days.  My life of late, though, has become so busy and stressful, that I have now gone to once a week.   I can’t get the things done that are required and the blogging that I enjoy doing is a “hobby” I don’t have time to get to.  You see I have to…..  Wait!  It sounds like I was just about to make some excuses. 

Don’t make excuses.  Nobody wants to listen to them.  Nobody!

I used to be pretty good with the excuse making but I’ve made much more of an effort of late to hold myself accountable.  If I can’t do something, I say I can’t do it.  I don’t accept the challenge then look for a way to get out of it.  If I do something I shouldn’t have done, I apologize.

Last week I went to a local school where I do piano accompanying for HS students performing at our state music evaluation festival.  It was the first time I was meeting the five students I would be playing for this year.  All had been reminded of the importance of this rehearsal and were warned to have their music well prepared.  The first boy to arrive was a very friendly and personable student.  He got right to work putting together his instrument and setting up to perform.  I began the introduction and he soon joined in.  Except he wasn’t in the right place and he wasn’t playing the right notes.  We tried a few more times but the same result.  The teacher and I looked at each other knowingly and both of us thought “here is comes”. 

The student began his litany….  “I haven’t had much time to practice lately.  I’ve had lacrosse practice.  And the SAT’s are on Saturday.  All-County is coming up so I’ve been practicing for that.  And I’ve been working on the music for Jazz Band.  I had to go to church on Wednesday because it was a holy day.  And my private teacher says I should master one movement of this piece before I start the next one.  By the way, could I get a homework pass for my other teachers so I can focus on my practice for a few weeks and skip some other assignments?”

To say the room was deadly silent after the litany would be an understatement.  I think our stares and silence gave him all the information necessary.

No homework pass was granted.

The problem with excuse making is that you imply your life is somehow more important than others. You don’t have to be blamed for your inadequacies because you are more important.  Others do not have such problems and challenges that you face.  They can’t possibly understand your pain and suffering.

One of my children has a difficult time sensing the emotions of others.  She tends to be self-centered because she lacks that skill.  If she is running around outside with other children and bumps into a person, she doesn’t say “sorry” because she believes it is the other person’s fault.  We have worked with her on this for several years and the process has been slow.  She truly doesn’t think she needs to apologize for her actions unless they are intentional.  Accidental behavior is “not my fault and I don’t have to say sorry”.

No excuses though.  If your body bumps into another, apologize.  If your car runs into another, apologize.  If you lose important papers because you are holding them in your hand and a tornado rips them away, apologize.  In the end, you lost the papers. 

Don’t make excuses.  They make you look bad.  Just accept responsibility and move on.  Chances are that people will forget the situation much quicker when it’s accepted but they’ll remember your excuse making for some time to come.

Got that, Lacrosse Boy?

Hope you enjoyed the read.

“Make note of things to avoid”

March 19, 2011

Today’s Bit of Advice….

“Make note of things to avoid”

Don’t you wish life came with an instruction manual so you’d know what to do, what not to do, and how to do it the right way?  I sure do.  It would save me soooo much time.

So, to help you out, I’m providing a list of things you want to avoid in your quest to live a simple, happy, productive life.

1.       Avoid joining any committee or organizational boards.  The time spent doing good for others will have to come from somewhere.  In my case it comes from vacuuming, dusting, laundry, and cooking.  And, while I don’t mind missing out on those activities, some people in my home are pretty annoyed about the whole thing.

2.       Avoid washing red and pink items with the whites.  No explanation necessary.

3.       Avoid having three children.  One child fine.  Two children can play together or chose to play separately.  Three children?  There will always be a group of two who are friends and the third is left out.  The grouping changes throughout the day but someone is always the loser.  Just keep going for the fourth child. You’ll have more options.

4.       Avoid letting your husband repair the plumbing or heating.  Men use more force than necessary to move stuck parts.  In the end, the stuck part moves but only because it has been broken off of the original attachment. 

5.       Avoid running a Kleenex through the clothes dryer.  Likewise, avoid drying crayons, disposable diapers, cough drops, and wrist watches.  However, money seems to come out just fine.

6.       Avoid people who make you crazy.  If their whining, lying, and irresponsibility makes you nuts, stay away.   You’ll sleep better at night.

7.       As for sleep, avoid buying bad pillows.  The resulting kink in your neck and shoulder that lasts seven days or closer to a week is a big pain in the ….. well, neck.

8.       Avoid shopping at the grocery store or Wal-Mart on Saturday, Sunday, Friday night, before a snow storm, and within a week of Christmas or Easter.  There is nothing so important to purchase that you should expose yourself to the insanity.  Stores that are open 24 hours a day are your friend.  Try going at 10pm.  You’ll have to stay up a little later but there won’t be anyone there to bother you.  The lines are shorter.  It’s so much nicer.

9.       Avoid hitting a hole-in-one on the 9^th hole at the miniature golf course.  My husband learned the hard way that the ensuing jump for joy can lead to a sprained ankle.  And it’s really embarrassing to explain to others that you are on crutches for a mini-golf injury!

10.   Avoid dropping the telephone onto the laptop keyboard.  The computer will make a VERY loud noise, will “dump physical memory”, and the key that pops off will not go back on.

What other advice do you have to share to make my life easier?

Hope you enjoyed the read.

“How to Raise a Successful 10 Year Old Boy”

March 13, 2011

Today’s Bit of Advice

“How to Raise a Successful 10 Year Old Boy”

I have ten years of experience as a mother.  The wisdom I have developed in that period of time is greater than I would have expected.  Like other new parents, I thought I knew quite a bit about raising a healthy and successful child.  How hard could it really be?

Well, it was a lot harder than I expected.  Kids don’t read parenting books to know what they should be doing at each stage.  They make up their own schedules and plans.  A good parent has to be able to think quickly and try things that may or may not work.  But a parent who sits back to think about what to do is a parent who misses the opportunity to do what needs doing.

So I have spent ten years developing wisdom and learning what works (and a lot about what doesn’t work!).  My bits of advice for today include some of the things parents should know about how to raise a successful ten year old boy.  Here goes:

1.       Teach the definitions of B.O and P.U. early on.  This will allow you to use them as code later on.  For example:  “P.U.!  You’ve got B.O.!”  This translates easily into “Get into the shower right now and use soap on every part of your body.  Please include shampoo on the hair.”

2.       Give portion size requirements prior to attending a party or buffet.  Children need to know that they may only eat the same number of shrimp as their age.  A ten year old boy may only have ten shrimp.

3.       Teeth must be brushed every day.  Twice a day is even better.  Flossing daily is also a nice thing to do.  Just because you cannot see bacteria on your teeth does not mean that it is not present.  Cavities hurt.   Fillings hurt.  And they are expensive.

4.       If your child asks if he can go on a four-day trip to Baltimore with the Boy Scouts that he just met last week, tell him no.  Then think about it more later, talk about it with your spouse, and sign up for the trip in secret.  Wait a week and then tell him he can go.  The joy you’ll see on his face is even better than it would have been originally.  And you can get him to do all kinds of favors for you in return.  A win-win!

5.       If your child plays two instruments, have him practice one each night on an alternating basis.  Practicing two instruments every night is too hard for a 10-year old.  At least that’s what I’ve been told by an expert – my own 10-year old.

6.       If your child wrongs someone have him write a note of apology whether he thinks it is a good idea or not.  This includes a letter to his teacher if he misbehaved in class or forgot to do a project of HW.  It is unlikely you will have to give this assignment more than twice.

7.       Never, never, never give in and adjust the length of a “grounding”.  If you say “you are grounded from the Wii for one week”, you must actually hold it to a week.  If you say “you are grounded from playing with the neighbors for three days”, you have to hold it to three days.  And you should not turn the neighbors away at the door – let the child explain why he can’t play.

8.       Realize that weekends and school vacations are tough on kids.  The loss of the daily structure is a tough transition for many children.  Therefore, parents should develop a very strict schedule for their vacationing children.  Give them many jobs and chores to do.  Limit TV and video games to ½ hour each day.  Insist on two hours of daily exercise.  Your children will complain but the sound of “this is too much work” is much more pleasant than the sound of “I’M BORED!!!!!”

9.       When your child says PG-13 movies are for all ages, remind him that 13 = teen and age 10 = tween.  PG and G movies are for tweens.  And that’s that.

10.   Make sure you as the parent stay in good physical shape.  You want your lap to be readily available for those times when your big kid asks to sit on your lap and cuddle with you.  Remember, too, that 10 year olds are very heavy.  Be prepared!

I hope my wisdom helps someone else raise a successful 10-year old.  Now I am off to start all over again because my ten year old turns eleven this week and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a whole new set of rules.  Wish me luck!

Hope you enjoyed the read!

“Believe your own thought”

March 7, 2011

Today’s Bit of Advice…

“Believe your own thought”

This advice comes from a longer quote of Ralph Waldo Emerson: “To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius.”

It’s taken me many years to believe my own thoughts and to believe that I should believe my own thoughts.   I was always a passive conformist.  I never wanted to stand out in the crowd so I followed the rules, showed up on time, didn’t bring up controversial topics in discussion groups, and I never colored  my hair pink or purple.

The problem is I thought I wanted to be a conformist.  Turns out I behaved that way because others convinced me I wanted to.  I wasn’t listening to myself.  To my own inner voice.  Or, as many people say, listening to my gut.

Looking back on my younger years, I don’t think I would change too much of it.  I would still follow the rules and show up on time.  I like the color of my hair so I doubt I would have experimented with color.  But I might have allowed myself to speak my mind a bit more.  And I might have trusted myself to go outside my comfort zone more frequently.

A child freely speaks his mind because he doesn’t know better.  My children have certainly said things at time that were embarrassing (to me, not to them).  I remember taking one child out of mass because of noisy behavior.  As we were hustling to the door, said child called out (loudly, in a quiet church), “Don’t spank me Mom!”   Talk about embarrassing!  Children say exactly what they are thinking.

As we get older, society teaches us to think before we speak and that it is better not to express certain sentiments.  We apply the societal filter.  Well, most of us do.  This filter stops us from speaking up for others, from fighting for what we believe in, and from doing the right thing when we think others may not agree.  It is only when you learn to trust the inner voice and believe your own thoughts that you become an adult who speaks his or her mind appropriately.  This isn’t a freedom to say anything at any time, but to say the right things at the right times.

It is okay to be an individual with original thoughts and ideas.  God made each of us to be our own person.  When we conform to the ways of popular culture to fit in better, what are we saying to God?  I didn’t trust your design for me so I have to make it better?

Trust God’s plan for you.  Be proud of your individuality.  Believe your own thought.

I have a mentor who taught me a great lesson about five years ago.  I had been asked to meet an obligation that I felt I did not have the time or resources to meet.  In discussing my dilemma with him he said, “I can’t tell you what to do, but the Holy Spirit can”.  At first I was a bit annoyed by that answer.  I didn’t want to do this task and I was looking for someone to give me permission to say “no” to it.  By telling me to listen to my inner voice, he forced me to make the decision for myself.  In the end, I did listen to what the Holy Spirit had been telling me all along and I decided to do the task.  It was challenging to find the time and resources but the payoff has been well worth it.

Believe your own thought.

I’ll leave you with the words from the song “Believe” from the movie Polar Express.  I love the refrain and think it is worth application in every person’s life.

“Believe in what your heart is saying.

Hear the melody that’s playing.

There’s no time to waste,

There is so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,

Give your dreams the wings to fly.

You have everything you need, if you just believe.”

Hope you enjoyed the read.

“Check it over then check it again (and maybe again)”

February 28, 2011

Today’s Bit of Advice….

“Check it over then check it again (and maybe again)”

My dad has taught me many valuable lessons in my lifetime.  He’s a pretty handy guy and I enjoyed watching him work in his basement workshop when I was a child.  He would let me sit on the tall stool at his workbench where  I would play with all kinds of neat things like the nail sizing tool (you try out the nails in the labeled holes to see what size they are) and the label maker.  I always loved the label maker!

But this blog isn’t about the label maker.

During a wood working project, my father would always throw out the reminder “Measure twice, cut once”.  Why measure twice and cut once?  Because you can measure over and over for accuracy but you only get one chance to cut the right length on the first try. 

This bit of advice came to mind today as I thought about two recent events.  First, my kindergartener came home from school today and said “I got to have a peanut butter sandwich at school today”.  (I think she was happy about it too!).  Well, I was a bit surprised to hear about the PB&J because the child was signed up to get the hot lunch today – her favorite, hot ham and cheese wrap.  At her Catholic school, we sign up to buy hot lunch a month in advance.  You choose the days you want hot lunch, circle them on the form, and send in the payment.   My children buy every Monday and I always mark the lunch choice in our calendar.  How is it possible the child got a PB&J?  All I can figure is that I missed a circle on the lunch form.  I paid for the lunch but, if you don’t circle it, you don’t get a lunch.  Fortunately, our caring lunch staff will always throw a PB&J your way when your mother forgets to check the form (and then check it again).

The other event that made me think about this advice is one of the reasons that my blogs have been so few and far between lately.  I took on a volunteer job doing all of the design, layout, and editing for an almost 200 page book of memories for a local historical association. The project has been a several month process and many, many hours of work.  The majority of my work has involved checking, checking, checking….  I check layout.  I check punctuation.  I check spelling.  I check sentence structure.  I check details.  Fortunately, I am in the final stages of all this checking and the only remaining detail is the Table of Contents (listing the names of the writers).  I think I have it finished but it still needs to be checked.  And then checked again.  I realized the other day, when I checked the first draft of the TOC, that I left out one writer’s name.  An important person too!  Yikes – but awfully glad that I found the mistake when I did.  Check and check again.

I’ve always been a bit of a checker.  When I pull out of the garage I have to look back two or three times to make sure I have shut the garage door.  I check the oven a few times to make sure it gets turned off when dinner is done cooking.  No less than three checks on the alarm clock before I go to sleep.  But this type of checking is not so much a concern about accuracy – it is more about anxiety.  I get so worried that I will forget to do certain things that I go overboard checking to make sure they get done.

It is hard to know how many times to check those little things and even harder to make yourself stop checking.

When we went to mass on Sunday, we were pleased to see that one of our favorite priests, Fr. Sullivan, would be saying mass.  He is a retired priest with a wonderful sense of humor, a very holy presence, and a way with words.  We always look for a message in the homily that we can bring back home and implement into our lives – we call it our “take away”.  This week’s take away was “Do what you can and let God take care of the rest”.  I found that message to be very reassuring.  I can check the garage door once and then, when I start to worry about the door and if I remembered to shut it, I can just ask God to take care of it.

Aaahhhh.

So, check it over and then check it again as needed.  But don’t let your life become consumed by checking and worry.  Do what you can, and let God take care of the rest.

I will still probably check the alarm clock three times before going to sleep, however.  The peaceful sleep that follows a good alarm check is better than any expensive mattress can provide.

Hope you enjoyed the read.