Day #2 - Did you think I would drop my resolution already?

January 2, 2011

Thanks to all for the positive feedback on my first blog post.  I love to write.  I love to talk.  Blogging is like talking and writing it all down at the same time.  Perfect for me!

I hope you looked for an opportunity to Do a Good Turn today.  I won't get into many specifics here but my Good Turn today involved intentionally spending an hour this morning at the Hypocritical House to provide support for two specific individuals and to give something to hundreds of others who needed to be reassured that, while some things change, others remaing the same.  I know that is a pretty vague description of what I did on my Good Turn but those who were there doing the same things know what I mean.

But you didn't come here to read about my Good Turn.  You want today's Bit of Advice (or at least I hope you do because that is what I'm about to dispense).

Today's Bit of Advice........

Take Time Now to Talk About Later

My family (my siblings and I) has a peculiar habit that might seem strange to outsiders.  When we gather together, we often find ourselves discussing what we will do when our parents are old, ill, or deceased.  We discuss where they will live, what we will do with their belongings, what type of funeral we will give them, and which items we would each like to have.  My parents sometimes join in on these discussions.  To us, this type of discussion is normal.  To others it must seem incredibly crass, macabre, and inappropriate.

But let me tell you why I bring this up as "advice".

Death is inevitable.  We will all die someday.
Death leaves the living feeling lonely, but death is not bad.
Death is part of the life cycle.

Families who don't talk about death are often not prepared to have the serious discussions they must have when a loved one is ill or beginning the path to death.  They don't know how to talk about where a loved one will love, or how an estate will be settled, or what to do when family members don't agree about the decisions that must be made.  Too many family relationships are broken when one or more members cannot come to agreement on the tough choices that need to be made.

My family has yet to have to make these tough decisions.  But, by choice, we do discuss some of the questions that may arise some day.  We know which items are sentimental for each person.  We know who is the best family member to give financial advice, to be decisive, to share historical information.  We also know who will have the toughest time being part of a unanimous decision.  Knowing these personal traits in advance gives us, as a family, some preparation for the future.

We have chosen to discuss the inevitable with some seriousness and some humor.  Will we really bury my father in a custom casket made by monks?  And will we hire the local undertaker who likes to run the casket up the church aisle to save time or will we choose the grumpy one who announced "this is a good day to die" at my grandmother's funeral?  Will we bury my mom with that special family gem around her neck just to avoid any type of argument over who will inherit it or will we come up with a better plan?  Will we really honor all of the little pieces of paper taped to the bottom of special items in my parents house?  Those papers bear the names of family members who would like to keep that item.  Are there other families that actually put their names on the belongings of people who are still alive just to claim them for the future?  Are we really that crazy??

My advice to you is to not be afraid to discuss death.  Better to have tough conversations with your loved ones while they can share their own feelings and preferences.  Don't be afraid to include some humor.  You may find out some interesting things about what your family would like done.  You may learn about those objects you may inherit.  You may discover personality traits about your family that are good to know now so you can be prepared for later.

Your family remains after the death of a loved one.  It won't be the same but it is still your family.  Take time now to talk about later so later won't be a surprise that makes a permanent and negative impact on that family.  In the words of a Nike commercial, "Just Do It".