“A Half Empty Glass is Half Full – But is That Good or Bad?”

August 28, 2012

Today’s Bit of Advice….

“A Half Empty Glass is Half Full – But is That Good or Bad?”

A neighbor stopped by for a visit this evening and I found her timing to be quite appropriate.  Her two children had arrived a few minutes prior and my head was beginning to spin from the number of times that the younger (age 5) used the word “no” in my presence.  I hoped that neighbor’s arrival on the scene would cause him to add new words to his vocabulary such as “yes”, “thank you”, and “please” but no such luck.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate an appropriately timed “no”.  For example: “No, I shouldn’t have a second piece of cake”.   Or, “No, you don’t look a day over 31.”  But this child was using “no” to respond to every request made of him.  He used it this way:  “No”.  “No”. “No”.  And my favorite one, “No”.  The child tried to go in my house, ride his bike between two closely parked cars, and stick his finger up my daughter’s nose.  “No” was not the right answer. 

I guess he uses “No” at home frequently too because he tried it another 48 times on his mother and she didn’t really seem surprised (nor appalled).  Sister started using it too after seeing how successful her brother was with the exclamation.  Mom just kept shaking her head and saying, “They really need to go back to school.  I don’t know how we’ll get through this last week of vacation.  I guess I’ll have to start charging them quarters again when they are disrespectful.”

Well, I tried to stay out of that one but my tongue wasn’t thick enough for me to continue biting so I had to share some thoughts.  I kept my first thought to myself (“If charging them quarters before worked, they wouldn’t be doing it again now”).  But my second thought came out of my mouth before I could stop it.  And, in after-thought, I realized it really was a good idea and deserved sharing.  I told the mom, instead of charging them quarters when they misbehave maybe you should try filling a jar with $5.00 in quarters and taking one away every time they misbehave.  At the end of the week, give them the money that remains.

Why is this a better idea?  How many kids really have $85.50 in quarters lying around ready to be put in the “I was naughty and disrespectful jar”?  After they use up their $1.75 they can be as rude as they want without further penalty.  And what kid doesn’t see the incentive in “You get to keep whatever is left at the end of the week”?  Some may call it bribery.  I call it incentive.

Filling up a jar with a visual reminder of how disrespectful a child can be is simply that – a visual reminder of how disrespectful a child can be.  You don’t want a child to watch a glass fill up with their misbehavior as if they are getting credit for each poor choice.  Trying to keep the jar full of quarters by being well behaved and polite is a visual reminder of positive actions.  Sure, children will lose a few quarters here and there but they’ll want to keep it as full as possible.

A half-full jar of quarters is a half-full jar of quarters whether they all started there or whether they accumulated over time.  But the message in this approach to parenting is all about the reason why the quarters are in that jar. Do you want your children to get see their negatives building up or do you want them to realize they are letting a good thing slip away through their own choices.

Half Full.  Half Empty.  The label doesn’t matter but I know which way I’m planning to run it in my house! 

Now to go stock up on some quarters…

Thanks for the read!

It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal

August 12, 2012

Today’s Bit of Advice….

“It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal”

I should get “It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal” tattooed on my wrist so I’ll see it every day, all day – kind of like a WWJD bracelet.  It’s easy for me to make things a big deal, things that others don’t care about at all.

We are wrapping up a very full weekend of family, friends, food, and fun as we celebrated my brother’s wedding to a wonderful girl.  As the wife of the Best Man, sister of the Groom, and mother of the Flower Girls, I had a few things to do this week.  While the list was long and detailed, I made every effort to remember “IDHTBABD” (“It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal” for those who don’t own the stretchy rubber bracelet).

For example:

1.       Five people in the family attending three major events in three days meant a LOT of dress clothes.  Lots of dress clothes mean LOTS of ironing.  And I don’t iron.  I also don’t sew and I made sashes for the flower girl dresses that required a sewing machine before the iron.  My children had no idea what the electric gadgets I pulled out of the closet were called or what they did!  For as much as I don’t sew or iron frequently I tried to make the experience a bit less boring.  I took over the dining room as my sewing and ironing space.  Items were ironed between checks of my Facebook page.  I convinced my husband to take us out to dinner so I didn’t have to keep clearing the table. A clothing rack right next to the iron meant that I could hang items without carrying them around the house. With the AC and some music on, the process wasn’t too bad.  It took me several hours to complete all the tasks but I didn’t feel like I missed out on much – though I was trying to figure out how I could read a book and iron at the same time.  I never did find a way to do that!  It could have been a big deal, but the job didn’t have to be.

2.      Weddings are expensive.  The Best Man needed to rent a tuxedo.  I needed a few dresses.  Flower Girls needed dresses, shoes, hair.  Other kid needed a suit.  I’m sure that we could have gone out and purchased everything new but teachers don’t get paid in the summer time and the budget for “all new” just wasn’t there.   So we did what we could do the very best way our frugal minds know how.  Best Man rented a tuxedo.  I ordered two dresses online when my favorite store was having a great sale, had my sister pay for them with her store charge card for extra savings, and used a discount code for free shipping.  “Other kid” put together a “suit” using Hand-Me-Down pants and shirt from a dear church friend and a blue blazer that had belonged to my husband’s school band uniform closet.  The band switched to more casual uniforms and I grabbed three or four blazers for home before the rest were thrown away.  But the best savings was on the Flower Girl dresses.  Purchasing two new dresses would have cost a fortune!  Instead we re-used a beautiful First Communion Dress from last spring and added a navy blue sash to match the bridesmaids.  Because we had two Flower Girls, the problem of matching dresses was solved when we remembered that our daughter’s friend had the identical dress.  We asked, they shared, and we had two matching dresses.  Instead of going to the salon for updo’s, I did hair at home with a curling iron while they sat in front of the TV watching “Rio”.  Did I save money?  You betcha!  All those required clothes could have been a big deal, but we didn’t make is so.

3.      Bride and Groom demonstrated a great “It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal” moment at the wedding when their unity candle wick refused to light.  They held their tapers to the wick for 30-40 seconds but I just wouldn’t ignite.  I’m sure it felt like forever to them (or at least 10 minutes)!  But they kept smiling and trying.  The priest went over and poured off some wax.  People in the pews did polite giggling (is that really possible?).  They tried and tried.  Groom wiped his brow and shrugged.  And the flame finally took!  Later in the day, the Best Man incorporated the story into his speech and shared the message that, despite the challenge, Bride and Groom didn’t give up.  They kept trying.  Bride didn’t cry and fuss that her special day was being ruined.  Groom didn’t get angry and walk away.  They kept trying.  And that’s what marriage is all about.  Meeting the challenges and not giving up.  Rather than make a candle a big deal, they used the experience to teach the rest of us about patience and persistence. It could have been a big deal, but it wasn’t.

4.      And a final example…we are a society with so much information at our fingertips.  That’s both a good and a bad thing.  In the case of this weekend’s festivities, the access to 7-day weather forecasting was not a good thing.  The forecasts predicted for a full week that Saturday would be very rainy and stormy. No bride wants a rainy wedding day!  And no mother of Flower Girls wants a rainy day.  How was I going to get the girls in/out of the car, in/out of the church, in/out of the reception without major rain damage to their dresses, shoes, hair, and mother?  I worried for days, made contingency plans, had poor sleep, on and on.  The morning of the wedding was very cloudy, overcast, and HUMID.  I got the children in the car and we started for the wedding – and, of course, it started to rain.  Hard.  Arrived at the church and the rain stopped, just like that.  2pm, the wedding procession began and the rain started to fall again.  Hard.  Lasted through the entire wedding.  Father gave the blessing, bride and groom kissed, recessional played and the rain stopped, just like that.   From that point forward, the day was sunny, breezy, and pleasant.  We even had a huge rainbow over the reception.  It was the type of day you would hope for.  The forecast didn’t have to be a big deal – we needed to trust that the wedding of wonderful people would be wonderful no matter what.  Just like that.

If I don’t write in my blog every week, it doesn’t have to be a big deal.  I can do it when I have time (haha!) or when I don’t have time but just feel like it.    Life doesn’t have to be a big deal.

I often mention that I try to include my friends somewhere in my blog entries.  This entry is dedicated to Audra.  She knows why.  Maybe you’ll find yourself in here sometime – give me some advice and we’ll see what we can do!

Thanks for the read.

"Don't let life take over"

Today's Bit of Advice....

"Don't Let Life Take Over"

Oh, blog, how I have missed you.  I've thought about you often over the last two months.  I've promised to call, promised to write, but I never did.  I've let you down.

I know I'm an excuse maker (and that is so cliche) but I really have had reasons to ignore you.  Let me list them for you (for, besides being an excellent excuse maker, I am also an excellent list maker):

1.  I am a wife.  He works hard to provide income for our family and he mows the lawn.  I provide clean clothes, warm meals, and serve as the family's personal "Google" by answering any and all questions.  I am expected to provide correct answers 24/7 in all topic areas.

2.  I am a mother of three children.  They do not provide income nor mow the lawn.  I, however, am expected to provide clean clothes, warm meals, and serve as their personal "Google".  I also serve them as nurse, chauffer, referee, shopper, maid, and barber/stylist,

3.  I own a large home.  It expects me to meet all of its needs.  Enough said.

4.  I teach music to 215 students grades preschool - 8 every week.  Eleven lesson plans taught in ten hours across two days.  That's right.

5.  I direct a school choir of 25 students that rehearses for 30 minutes a week and performs anywhere from two to six pieces each month.  

6.  I am a school board member at my daughter's school.  I also co-chair the Enrollment/Retention Committee, provide school tours, and work ten hours per week in the Development Office.

7.  I am currently chairing two fundraisers for the afore mentioned school.  One of them is next week.

8.  I teach private horn lessons to a few students.  The number of students changes quarterly so I never know exactly how many are still practicing.  Nothing new there.

9.  I am the past-president of a non-profit Board of Directors.  "Past" only in the sense that I stepped down last August after several years.  "President" in the sense that no one else stepped up and the seat is still vacant.  You know what that makes me now, right?

10.  I have to make sure our Russian Tortoise, Ivan, gets feed, walked, and bathed.  (Okay, this one is a stretch since he only eats every few days, doesn't walk anywhere, and gets a monthly splash in a bowl of water - and, he's currently hibernating)

I bet you are tired just reading that list.  I sure am.  And I'm tired when I'm not reading the list.  I'm just tired all the time.

I sat in church yesterday listening to the priest homilize (is that a real word?) about New Year's resolutions.  Too often, we set resolutions that are broken in the first week if not on the first day.  He encouraged us to set more realistic and positive resolutions that will really enhance our lives.  It caused me to think about how much I do for others and how little I do for myself.  During airplane safety demonstrations they always tell the parent to use the oxygen mask first and then place it on the child.  If the parent is not taken care of, he or she cannot care for the child.

I haven't been using the oxygen mask.  In fact, I may have been forgetting to breathe at all.

So, for today, the girls are off at a playdate and my son is at the movies.  I am in my home ALONE.  And I'm breathing.  I'm doing what I need to do to make myself feel rested, relaxed, and rejuvinated.  I'm taking care of me.

And it feels wonderful!

Thanks for the read.